Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
