well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
