I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
