I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
