I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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