I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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