So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How naked do you want me to be?
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