FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Randomize
