Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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