Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my being single is dangerous.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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