I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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