Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
