I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
