If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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