So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
