Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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