he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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