ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
