I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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