I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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