U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
