He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
then he tried to convert me to islam
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
