she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
