I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
porn star boner night. come get it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
