If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
