I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
