Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You're like the curious george of whores
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
