I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Boobs are out for the taking
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
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