I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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