Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
