I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I'm really busy with my period
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