i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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