i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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