Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
