and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
