I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
