i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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