while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
