my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Are my feet made of real feet?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
