im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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