My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
