saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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