So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
