we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
