fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
