Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
