Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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