you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
