Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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