I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
